my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
