I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
