So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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