I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
