yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Randomize
