You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
