If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
