i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
