at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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