This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
