update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
