I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
