I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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