remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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