he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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