I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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