Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
