Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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