dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
