Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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