one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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