I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
