Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
