so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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