I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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