What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
