I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Randomize
