i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
