p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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