if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I just found a bag of teeth...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
