2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
