Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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