woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
