If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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