i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
