he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
