It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
