we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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