You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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