i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
where are you?
Hypothermia
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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