he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
