I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
