On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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