the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
