WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
