Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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