Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
