I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm both gender and math confused
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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