Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
They have beer where we have blood.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
