All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You can't special order awesome
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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