I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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