Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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